Note: Any names mentioned below are NOT fictional. Duh? This is the Transparent Christian blog. So if you think it's you, it is. :)
I've never felt like I was good at making friends. I've always been the type of person that gets along with everyone, everyone likes me, but I seem to have a hard time really connecting with and trusting in a few good, true friends.
Part of it comes from my own low self worth, always feeling like I'm not good enough to be someone else's friend. I'm too needy, too critical, too opinionated. And if I let someone get close enough to me, they might get a glimpse of how crazy I can really be...I mean, it's one thing to tell someone you suffer from BiPolar D/O, it's another to let them see the symptoms of it.
So when I came to this new church last summer, I wasn't necessarily looking for friends. But I joined a Women's Bible Study and quickly found a few. One of them quickly became my best friend. Let's see...I'll call her Cheryl. She was fairly new to the church at the time, too, and we just hit it off right from the start. Together we navigated through the church and found the 'courage in numbers' that we needed to get involved in some things. And even though we haven't friends long, it feels like forever. I know she & I both frequently comment that God knew what He was doing when He put us together because we are so different that we tend to complement each other as well as give each other the insight we need at times during difficult situations. And Cheryl is just perfect- I think God knew I needed a friend who was a pinch-hitter therapist, because Cheryl is a hairdresser. Isn't God cool?!
The next friend I made during Bible Study has been much different. Let's call her Shelly. She was the group leader. I just remember thinking from the beginning and also telling her that she reminds me so much of myself at her age. (She's almost 15 years younger than me.) I was confused because I felt like the Lord was telling me that she and I were supposed to be friends, while at the same time I wasn't even sure I liked her! (Why would I, she reminded me of me and I don't always like myself) So at one point, an older, wiser, well-meaning member of the group, the former group leader, decided that I should be Shelly's co-facilitator. Well you can imagine about now how that worked out. It ended with an incident that left Shelly and I both feeling hurt by the other, and with me leaving that group.
But that wasn't the end of the story for Shelly and I. God wouldn't let that be the end. The thing that I admired about Shelly was that she was willing to set aside hurt feelings and rebuild our friendship, and I hope that's something she also admired in me. I gained respect for Shelly through this whole incident, because I knew that she understood what I understood- true friendship comes from God and through God. He ordained us to be friends, He put us together for a reason. So we both needed to work it out, get over ourselves and move on. And we have.
So after that, I did move on. I had made some other friendships that led me into another group in the church, and I jumped right in. But I joined the group because I wanted these people as friends, not because I was necessarily interested in the ministry. These were great, wise, wonderful Christian women and I wanted to be near them! I wanted to be one of them. So how did this endeavor work out? Not well. I ended up spending my time feeling like a square peg in a round hole. It wasn't their fault, for they did everything they could to make me feel welcome. They loved me. But I was just in a place where I didn't belong. I never ever felt God's call or the leading of the Holy Spirit when it came to me joining this ministry. It was all me. It was something that I wanted to do, not something I felt led to do.
It took me a really, really long time to finally make the decision to leave that group. I didn't want to lose my friends. But finally I heard the Lord telling me that my true friends will still be my friends. Friendship isn't just about being part of the same group, social class, or ministry. So I had a heart to heart discussion with one of the new friends I made, the leader of this group, I'll call her Chris. She was understanding and reassured me that I will not lose her friendship just because I'm leaving the group. And I believe her.
So, who do you imagine was there to comfort me through my difficult circumstances with my latest group, but Shelly. Of course Cheryl has been there for me, too. But with Shelly, I was able to speak with her and we were both able to say 'Isn't it funny we've gone through the same things', and it only reinforces to us that there is a bond between us that God has put there. It has to be God because it's too much of a coincidence to believe that the person I hurt only a few months ago is there for me when I'm hurting. And she's not saying sarcastically "See what it feels like?" And she could.
And I have made other friends, women I've grown to really love. They all over different things that seem to be just what I need at the time. I don't want to mention any more names because I might miss someone and hurt someone's feelings! :)
I just know that I am learning that true friendship is a gift from, sometimes a challenge from, God. I don't need to join every group that comes my way just to be popular. I just need to keep my heart open and trust the God will guide me through the Holy Spirit into the relationships He knows are best for me.
God is good! (Can I get an 'all the time!')
Dear Lord,
Please help me to keep my heart open to the possibility of friendships with the most unlikely people and through the most unlikely sources. I trust that You know the relationships that will be best for me, the ones that will help me grown, and some that will teach me lessons.
In Jesus' precious name I pray,
Amen
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Are You There God? It's Me, Melissa!
Dear Lord,
I am struggling so much right now. You see, my feelings have been hurt...not only that, but I am feeling uncertain as to this place you have put me in. I'm embarrassed that I don't seem to fit in and act like the others around me. I am trying to be grateful for the trials & tests, knowing that it is perfecting me, just like the Refiner's fire. And why shouldn't I expect for the Refiner's fire to be painful?
I have tried to please you. I have spoken the messages you have given me, and shared my heart. I have been transparent. But the problem with transparency is the feeling of vulnerability that comes with it. I sometimes think it would've been easier never to mention to any of my friends that I suffer from BiPolar Disorder or that I 'used to' be gay. They may not, in reality, be judging me...but I always wonder whether they are. I guess I sort of always assume they are. Not fair to them or myself, is it?
And I feel out of place, like I am not fitting in to this exact spot you have put me in- like a square peg in a round hole. Yet in my heart, I know there is a reason for it. Perhaps if I quit fighting You so much, You'd be able to ease me into my place a little easier...
Lord, only you know where I go from here. It is painful to make the tough decisions when I am feeling hurt and confused. Do I wait until I feel better, so I know I'm thinking clearly and clearly hearing Your voice? No, sometimes I think the decisions need to be made so that we can move and start to feel better....and I know from experience that I tend to hear your voice better when I'm hurting than when all is well.
So I pray for wisdom, I pray for grace and I pray for forgiveness. Forgiveness for myself if I have displeased you or hurt others with my actions. And forgiveness for them, so that I can truly forgive and let go the hurts and focus on Your will for my life.
Most of all, I thank You for loving me enough to put me through the Refiner's fire. I thank you for having a plan for my life and loving me enough to do what it takes to help me grow into that plan. And most of all, I just praise you for your goodness and your awesome love. I may not always do everything right, but You know that I never cease to love you and praise you and listen for your voice through the Holy Spirit every minute of every day.
In Jesus' Precious Name,
Amen
I am struggling so much right now. You see, my feelings have been hurt...not only that, but I am feeling uncertain as to this place you have put me in. I'm embarrassed that I don't seem to fit in and act like the others around me. I am trying to be grateful for the trials & tests, knowing that it is perfecting me, just like the Refiner's fire. And why shouldn't I expect for the Refiner's fire to be painful?
I have tried to please you. I have spoken the messages you have given me, and shared my heart. I have been transparent. But the problem with transparency is the feeling of vulnerability that comes with it. I sometimes think it would've been easier never to mention to any of my friends that I suffer from BiPolar Disorder or that I 'used to' be gay. They may not, in reality, be judging me...but I always wonder whether they are. I guess I sort of always assume they are. Not fair to them or myself, is it?
And I feel out of place, like I am not fitting in to this exact spot you have put me in- like a square peg in a round hole. Yet in my heart, I know there is a reason for it. Perhaps if I quit fighting You so much, You'd be able to ease me into my place a little easier...
Lord, only you know where I go from here. It is painful to make the tough decisions when I am feeling hurt and confused. Do I wait until I feel better, so I know I'm thinking clearly and clearly hearing Your voice? No, sometimes I think the decisions need to be made so that we can move and start to feel better....and I know from experience that I tend to hear your voice better when I'm hurting than when all is well.
So I pray for wisdom, I pray for grace and I pray for forgiveness. Forgiveness for myself if I have displeased you or hurt others with my actions. And forgiveness for them, so that I can truly forgive and let go the hurts and focus on Your will for my life.
Most of all, I thank You for loving me enough to put me through the Refiner's fire. I thank you for having a plan for my life and loving me enough to do what it takes to help me grow into that plan. And most of all, I just praise you for your goodness and your awesome love. I may not always do everything right, but You know that I never cease to love you and praise you and listen for your voice through the Holy Spirit every minute of every day.
In Jesus' Precious Name,
Amen
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
The Waterfall, Part 2
I didn't expect my blog posts to become so 'heavy' and touching on some tough subjects quite so quickly....so I'd like to just get back to the beginning and talk a little about my life, and my 'faith journey.'
In my first post, I talk about my accident, back in 1987, when I fell off the waterfall....I left you hanging way back then, as I sung praise to God in the ambulance on my way to MGH from Hancock. I had just tumbled approximately 60 feet or so into the base of the Douglass Houghton Falls, and was ALIVE!
The thing is, in the ambulance I was praising God that He had saved me and I was alive, yet in my youthful naivety I didn't realize that oh so much pain and struggles were ahead of me. As it turned out, I had shattered the bones in my left upper arm and had a compound fracture in my left calf. I needed emergency surgery.
A plate and two titanium rods later and I was 'good as new'! I wish the end of my story were that easy. But it was definitely the start of my healing. So I settled in, thinking I was safely out of the woods, resting in a hospital room in Marquette General Hospital. I had a great nurse who seemed to always be there. She was a Christian, and probably my mom's age at the time. I was a very new Christian, so was eager to be around another Christian, even in such a grim setting. Looking back, though, I know it made all the difference in my recovery, so I know God's hand was in her being there. Did she realize what a huge difference she was making? Probably not, but I kept that in mind all my years as an RN myself.
So one afternoon as I lay there in my hospital bed, I remember feeling sleepy and just starting to close my eyes to nod off. But the odd thing was that I suddenly found myself thinking "I'm just going to go to sleep and die now..." as if it were the most normal of all things. I actually felt very peaceful and felt no fear whatsoever. For a brief moment, anyway. Then something kicked in and I kid you not, I yelled within myself "But I'm not supposed to DIE!" So I was sort of jarred awake and realized I couldn't breathe. I really couldn't breathe. I pressed the call button to get the nurse and I vividly remember the look on her face when she walked into my room and took one look at me. That woman's mouth dropped open. Apparently, as I found out later, I was already quite blue when she came into the room.
Soon the room was full of medical people, working on me. They put an oxygen mask on me, got an IV in, and sent me off for radiology for tests. Diagnosis: PE, more specifically a 'fatty' embolism. It occurs when a blob of bone marrow that is released from the bone during a break, finds it's way into the blood stream where it circulates before it finally lodges into one of the arteries that feed blood to the lungs. Cure: None. You have to remember this occurred back in 1987. The only treatment was a Heparin drip, which would do nothing to rid my body of this fat blob, but would prevent blood from collecting on and around it and making in larger.
I had a serious talk with my doctor. The first thing I remember was him saying that this is odd, because this type of thing usually happens right after the break, not days afterward. Then I was told it was 'watch and wait.' I remember waiting and wondering if I was really going to die. You can't possibly describe to someone who hasn't been there, what it feels like to know your death is imminent. First I felt the quick revelation, in the fall itself- now I was faced with the prolonged, waiting, and wondering...
Obviously I survived. Another true miracle of God. I give Him all the credit. But I also know that He saved me for a reason. He has a purpose for my life. In a way, this whole thing seemed to give me a new lease on life. I was ready to move forward and serve Him.
If only the rest of the story were that easy....
In my first post, I talk about my accident, back in 1987, when I fell off the waterfall....I left you hanging way back then, as I sung praise to God in the ambulance on my way to MGH from Hancock. I had just tumbled approximately 60 feet or so into the base of the Douglass Houghton Falls, and was ALIVE!
The thing is, in the ambulance I was praising God that He had saved me and I was alive, yet in my youthful naivety I didn't realize that oh so much pain and struggles were ahead of me. As it turned out, I had shattered the bones in my left upper arm and had a compound fracture in my left calf. I needed emergency surgery.
A plate and two titanium rods later and I was 'good as new'! I wish the end of my story were that easy. But it was definitely the start of my healing. So I settled in, thinking I was safely out of the woods, resting in a hospital room in Marquette General Hospital. I had a great nurse who seemed to always be there. She was a Christian, and probably my mom's age at the time. I was a very new Christian, so was eager to be around another Christian, even in such a grim setting. Looking back, though, I know it made all the difference in my recovery, so I know God's hand was in her being there. Did she realize what a huge difference she was making? Probably not, but I kept that in mind all my years as an RN myself.
So one afternoon as I lay there in my hospital bed, I remember feeling sleepy and just starting to close my eyes to nod off. But the odd thing was that I suddenly found myself thinking "I'm just going to go to sleep and die now..." as if it were the most normal of all things. I actually felt very peaceful and felt no fear whatsoever. For a brief moment, anyway. Then something kicked in and I kid you not, I yelled within myself "But I'm not supposed to DIE!" So I was sort of jarred awake and realized I couldn't breathe. I really couldn't breathe. I pressed the call button to get the nurse and I vividly remember the look on her face when she walked into my room and took one look at me. That woman's mouth dropped open. Apparently, as I found out later, I was already quite blue when she came into the room.
Soon the room was full of medical people, working on me. They put an oxygen mask on me, got an IV in, and sent me off for radiology for tests. Diagnosis: PE, more specifically a 'fatty' embolism. It occurs when a blob of bone marrow that is released from the bone during a break, finds it's way into the blood stream where it circulates before it finally lodges into one of the arteries that feed blood to the lungs. Cure: None. You have to remember this occurred back in 1987. The only treatment was a Heparin drip, which would do nothing to rid my body of this fat blob, but would prevent blood from collecting on and around it and making in larger.
I had a serious talk with my doctor. The first thing I remember was him saying that this is odd, because this type of thing usually happens right after the break, not days afterward. Then I was told it was 'watch and wait.' I remember waiting and wondering if I was really going to die. You can't possibly describe to someone who hasn't been there, what it feels like to know your death is imminent. First I felt the quick revelation, in the fall itself- now I was faced with the prolonged, waiting, and wondering...
Obviously I survived. Another true miracle of God. I give Him all the credit. But I also know that He saved me for a reason. He has a purpose for my life. In a way, this whole thing seemed to give me a new lease on life. I was ready to move forward and serve Him.
If only the rest of the story were that easy....
Let your 'yes' be 'yes' and your 'no' be 'no'!
Because of the struggles in my life, especially my many years of battling mental illness, I am realizing that I have grown to see myself as always 'less' than everyone else. I tend to put others on pedestals and I look up to other women rather than seeing them as equals and even friends...therefore, I am always finding myself looking for their approval rather than just fellowship.
I tend to let others tell me what's best for me. Especially, I tend to get frustrated when other Christians seem to set the bar for me, as far as what makes a good Christian...and more frustrated that I let myself believe this, even though I myself have been a Born-Again, Spirit-Filled Christian for 26 years. I know I am deeply rooted and grounded in my faith and have really come to know how to listen for the voice of the Holy Spirit and follow His leading.
You see, after years of being barely able to take care of myself because of my mental illness, I guess I have gotten used to letting others make decisions for me. So even now that I am 'well' and capable of making my own decisions, I have a hard time standing firm and tend to let others make me feel like they know what's best for me better than I do myself. And when I do take a stand and speak up for myself, I end up apologizing for it and then hating myself because I apologized...a never ending cycle.
This is especially tricky as a Christian woman dwelling amongst other Christian women. Christian women, albeit well meaning, can get a bit pushy. (I say that fondly!) Most of the Christian women I know love each other and other women so deeply, that they only want the best for them. They feel they know what's best for them. But sometimes what we want for another person is not necessarily what God wants for them. Yes, it's true. ;)
So if I am frustrated at others for telling me what to do, or pressuring me into something I don't want to do, is that really their fault? Or is it mine? Perhaps I am frustrated with myself for not being strong enough to stand up for my own decisions. Perhaps I am frustrated that I let myself feel 'less' than they are...
Perhaps I should say to them 'I prayed about this decision and am comfortable with it, but thanks for your opinion.' Hmm...I wonder what it would feel like to actually say that! And to be okay with it. I wonder what it would feel like to put myself equal to them, to respect myself as much as I respect them. I guess my greatest fear then, is that no one would like me. Maybe I should give it a try and take a chance and see what happens. Hmmm...do I dare?
So if someone asks me something and I say 'yes' when I mean 'no' and then I regret it, is it their fault for asking? No, it's my fault for not being okay with saying 'no.' The Bible does say "Let your 'yes' be 'yes' and your 'no' be 'no'." So then, saying 'no' at times is okay, even when you're a Christian? Wow, imagine that!
This has been the story of my life. I'm pretty easy to engage and tend to jump into new things quickly, without always thinking them through. You know the "It sounded like a good idea at the time" type of thing. So I jump in with both feet, only to regret it because I end up feeling like a square peg in a round hole. Therefore, I find myself having to back out of it somewhere down the road...and then I end up feeling like a 'quitter.' When in essence, I'm really only quitting something I was never meant to do in the first place. Sigh.....
I am learning, I guess. Learning that it's okay to be me. The problem with putting other people on pedestals, is that pedestals tend to tip over pretty easily. And as you look and see those whom you have looked up to and idolized just laying there, on the same level with you, it can be heartbreaking as well as disillusioning...and when those whom you have relied on for validation let you down, it's downright devastating.
Basically, it's giving the other person too much power. My validation needs to come from God alone, because He will never fall and He will never let me down. The pedestal He stands on will never fall, yet at the same time He is able to reach down and get right on our level. People will hurt us, disappoint us, treat us less than how we should be treated, but God will never ever fail us.
Dear Lord,
I pray that I begin to recognize my own value and worth. That I would find it in You, not in the feedback of other humans whom I have put on pedestals. I pray that I learn to trust myself and trust that You, through the Holy Spirit, will guide me in all of my decisions, so that I will be able to say 'Yes,' when I mean 'yes,' and 'NO' when I mean 'no'. More than all of that, I pray that my relationship with you and my sensitivity to your Holy Spirit would grow more and more through every struggle I face and every obstacle I overcome.
In Jesus Name.
Amen
I tend to let others tell me what's best for me. Especially, I tend to get frustrated when other Christians seem to set the bar for me, as far as what makes a good Christian...and more frustrated that I let myself believe this, even though I myself have been a Born-Again, Spirit-Filled Christian for 26 years. I know I am deeply rooted and grounded in my faith and have really come to know how to listen for the voice of the Holy Spirit and follow His leading.
You see, after years of being barely able to take care of myself because of my mental illness, I guess I have gotten used to letting others make decisions for me. So even now that I am 'well' and capable of making my own decisions, I have a hard time standing firm and tend to let others make me feel like they know what's best for me better than I do myself. And when I do take a stand and speak up for myself, I end up apologizing for it and then hating myself because I apologized...a never ending cycle.
This is especially tricky as a Christian woman dwelling amongst other Christian women. Christian women, albeit well meaning, can get a bit pushy. (I say that fondly!) Most of the Christian women I know love each other and other women so deeply, that they only want the best for them. They feel they know what's best for them. But sometimes what we want for another person is not necessarily what God wants for them. Yes, it's true. ;)
So if I am frustrated at others for telling me what to do, or pressuring me into something I don't want to do, is that really their fault? Or is it mine? Perhaps I am frustrated with myself for not being strong enough to stand up for my own decisions. Perhaps I am frustrated that I let myself feel 'less' than they are...
Perhaps I should say to them 'I prayed about this decision and am comfortable with it, but thanks for your opinion.' Hmm...I wonder what it would feel like to actually say that! And to be okay with it. I wonder what it would feel like to put myself equal to them, to respect myself as much as I respect them. I guess my greatest fear then, is that no one would like me. Maybe I should give it a try and take a chance and see what happens. Hmmm...do I dare?
So if someone asks me something and I say 'yes' when I mean 'no' and then I regret it, is it their fault for asking? No, it's my fault for not being okay with saying 'no.' The Bible does say "Let your 'yes' be 'yes' and your 'no' be 'no'." So then, saying 'no' at times is okay, even when you're a Christian? Wow, imagine that!
This has been the story of my life. I'm pretty easy to engage and tend to jump into new things quickly, without always thinking them through. You know the "It sounded like a good idea at the time" type of thing. So I jump in with both feet, only to regret it because I end up feeling like a square peg in a round hole. Therefore, I find myself having to back out of it somewhere down the road...and then I end up feeling like a 'quitter.' When in essence, I'm really only quitting something I was never meant to do in the first place. Sigh.....
I am learning, I guess. Learning that it's okay to be me. The problem with putting other people on pedestals, is that pedestals tend to tip over pretty easily. And as you look and see those whom you have looked up to and idolized just laying there, on the same level with you, it can be heartbreaking as well as disillusioning...and when those whom you have relied on for validation let you down, it's downright devastating.
Basically, it's giving the other person too much power. My validation needs to come from God alone, because He will never fall and He will never let me down. The pedestal He stands on will never fall, yet at the same time He is able to reach down and get right on our level. People will hurt us, disappoint us, treat us less than how we should be treated, but God will never ever fail us.
Dear Lord,
I pray that I begin to recognize my own value and worth. That I would find it in You, not in the feedback of other humans whom I have put on pedestals. I pray that I learn to trust myself and trust that You, through the Holy Spirit, will guide me in all of my decisions, so that I will be able to say 'Yes,' when I mean 'yes,' and 'NO' when I mean 'no'. More than all of that, I pray that my relationship with you and my sensitivity to your Holy Spirit would grow more and more through every struggle I face and every obstacle I overcome.
In Jesus Name.
Amen
Monday, May 27, 2013
Will the REAL Christians please stand up?!
I was 'saved' (aka 'born again') when I was only 18 years old. And right from the start, I was on fire for God...I immersed myself in the word, Christian music, and anything else I thought would bring me closer to God. I hung around other Christians and went to church any time the doors were opened...
My first husband was also a Christian. He and I found a big Charismatic church with great people, great music, and an extremely charismatic Pastor. We loved it there. Yet as the years went on, we started to see things, small things, that concerned us. For instance, when I had my first son, we were in a service one day and I took him into the 'crying room'. I then pulled out a bottle and proceeded to feed him. The other mothers acted strangely, almost snubbing me. Later on, I was told that the crying baby room was only for nursing moms. It seems that women who breast feed could do so in public, if they wanted, but a bottle feeding Mom wasn't welcome amongst breast feeding Moms. Disapproval. That hurt.
As time went on, a lot of unspoken 'rules' emerged. For instance, you were not supposed to go to an MD when you were sick- everyone went to the Chiropractor that attended our church. For everything- it seemed that going to an MD showed lack of faith in God. Go figure. On, and then there was the whole TV issue. We were challenged by our pastor to do a 'TV fast' for a month. So we did, no TV at all for a month. Once the month was over, he asked us to extend our TV fast to an entire year. Not too long after that, we were listening to a sermon and my husband and I both heard the pastor say the words "I was watching the news last night..." So he wasn't practicing what he preached.
These are only the small things, the things that are easy to fit here. There was so much more. So much more hypocrisy. I hate hypocrisy.
So we finally quit going to church and both of us never went to church for many years after that. We'd been hurt and we knew it wasn't God himself who hurt us. It was the church.
And as the years went on, and the kids grew, and another hubby and went, I did go to a service here and there, always in a Pentecostal church. I loved the Pentecostal/Charismatic churches. But after the point where I 'came out of the closet' I knew I'd never be welcome in a church again. I knew that I'd have to hide who I was to be welcomed into a Christian church. I knew that even if I hid who I was to get into the doors of a church, I'd most likely have to hear a sermon about how the 'gays' are going to hell and they are the ones who are dooming the world to God's wrath....I knew this, because I'd heard it before.
And if I felt this way, how many other gay people feel the same? It hurts me to the depths of my soul to think that a hurting person, who happens to be gay whether they like it or not, should feel unwelcome in any Christian Church.
When I finally found a church I thought was 'different', I started attending and getting involved. I never hid the fact that I was gay, but I didn't advertise it either. However, as time went on, I felt the Lord working on my heart. He was changing me, he was changing my desires...he was able to do what I couldn't do on my own. I was no longer gay. I can say, by nature, I was born gay, but God in His infinite power, did what no man could do on their own power- he delivered me. His message to me was "I'm giving you the desires of your heart."
I am really grieving right now. Over the whole issue of the Boy Scouts allowing gay members and as I saw on the news, that 'Conservative churches' will most likely not allow B.S. meetings at their churches because of this. To me, it shouldn't even be an issue. If you have a B.S. meeting at your church and a gay boy attends, then what of it? Shouldn't it be considered a good thing that this boy is in a church?
I want to make it clear that I am not condemning my own church. I don't know the full story of anything regarding this issue and my church. I am grieving over the fact that it's an issue at all....in any church, anywhere.
People are telling me to get over it. I can't. I just want to shout out "Will the REAL Christians please stand up?" Because real Christians show love and compassion, to those who are unsaved, as well as their fellow church mates. Real Christians don't build walls between themselves and sinners, to keep the sinners out. Real Christians do as Jesus did and welcome them, tell them they love them and Jesus loves them...
My first husband was also a Christian. He and I found a big Charismatic church with great people, great music, and an extremely charismatic Pastor. We loved it there. Yet as the years went on, we started to see things, small things, that concerned us. For instance, when I had my first son, we were in a service one day and I took him into the 'crying room'. I then pulled out a bottle and proceeded to feed him. The other mothers acted strangely, almost snubbing me. Later on, I was told that the crying baby room was only for nursing moms. It seems that women who breast feed could do so in public, if they wanted, but a bottle feeding Mom wasn't welcome amongst breast feeding Moms. Disapproval. That hurt.
As time went on, a lot of unspoken 'rules' emerged. For instance, you were not supposed to go to an MD when you were sick- everyone went to the Chiropractor that attended our church. For everything- it seemed that going to an MD showed lack of faith in God. Go figure. On, and then there was the whole TV issue. We were challenged by our pastor to do a 'TV fast' for a month. So we did, no TV at all for a month. Once the month was over, he asked us to extend our TV fast to an entire year. Not too long after that, we were listening to a sermon and my husband and I both heard the pastor say the words "I was watching the news last night..." So he wasn't practicing what he preached.
These are only the small things, the things that are easy to fit here. There was so much more. So much more hypocrisy. I hate hypocrisy.
So we finally quit going to church and both of us never went to church for many years after that. We'd been hurt and we knew it wasn't God himself who hurt us. It was the church.
And as the years went on, and the kids grew, and another hubby and went, I did go to a service here and there, always in a Pentecostal church. I loved the Pentecostal/Charismatic churches. But after the point where I 'came out of the closet' I knew I'd never be welcome in a church again. I knew that I'd have to hide who I was to be welcomed into a Christian church. I knew that even if I hid who I was to get into the doors of a church, I'd most likely have to hear a sermon about how the 'gays' are going to hell and they are the ones who are dooming the world to God's wrath....I knew this, because I'd heard it before.
And if I felt this way, how many other gay people feel the same? It hurts me to the depths of my soul to think that a hurting person, who happens to be gay whether they like it or not, should feel unwelcome in any Christian Church.
When I finally found a church I thought was 'different', I started attending and getting involved. I never hid the fact that I was gay, but I didn't advertise it either. However, as time went on, I felt the Lord working on my heart. He was changing me, he was changing my desires...he was able to do what I couldn't do on my own. I was no longer gay. I can say, by nature, I was born gay, but God in His infinite power, did what no man could do on their own power- he delivered me. His message to me was "I'm giving you the desires of your heart."
I am really grieving right now. Over the whole issue of the Boy Scouts allowing gay members and as I saw on the news, that 'Conservative churches' will most likely not allow B.S. meetings at their churches because of this. To me, it shouldn't even be an issue. If you have a B.S. meeting at your church and a gay boy attends, then what of it? Shouldn't it be considered a good thing that this boy is in a church?
I want to make it clear that I am not condemning my own church. I don't know the full story of anything regarding this issue and my church. I am grieving over the fact that it's an issue at all....in any church, anywhere.
People are telling me to get over it. I can't. I just want to shout out "Will the REAL Christians please stand up?" Because real Christians show love and compassion, to those who are unsaved, as well as their fellow church mates. Real Christians don't build walls between themselves and sinners, to keep the sinners out. Real Christians do as Jesus did and welcome them, tell them they love them and Jesus loves them...
Saturday, May 25, 2013
I write with a heavy heart his morning. You see, there was a certain issue I became aware of and became angry....but not in myself, but a Godly anger. You know, when you lose yourself and your own opinions on the matter, and realize it's God's opinion that matters? And you feel Him calling you to speak, so you do. It's one thing if what you need to say has to do with admonishing 'sinners', but quite another if He's calling you to admonish other Christians...
Christians don't take well to having someone challenge their beliefs. They want to stay safe within their own world, what they know. So many Christians these days are afraid of sinners- they don't want to welcome sinners into their lives, they want to 'love' them from afar. In my specific incident, they don't want gay people near their children, because they might be molested...they say they love gays, but they can love them from afar. Christians are so intent on protecting their children from the world that they are not teaching their children to go out into the world and spread the gospel. It's like so many Christians today are ruled by fear, rather than love. It's easy to say someone else is supposed to go out and minister to 'these people,' because I don't wan them anywhere near me. Heaven forbid we should allow them into our church to dwell amongst us!
Is that what Jesus taught us?! To 'love' from afar? (I'm putting the word love in quotes for a reason.) To protect our own Christian churches and communities by keeping the sinners out? Are we to tell someone who is gay that you can't come within the walls of our church because we are afraid of you? YES, this does make me angry! Very angry. And I believe it makes God angry, too.
Jesus said that the greatest commandment is this: "Love the Lord you God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind." and the second is: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Matt. 22:37,39. AS YOURSELF! Do you love yourself from afar? Do you tell yourself you are not allowed within the walls of a church because you are a sinner? Oh, that's right, you're already saved. So you must be 'better' than the ones you are wanting to keep out, right?
I just think that churches need to be careful not to develop policies or give the impression that you have to be saved before you come to church. We should be welcoming sinners with open arms, including someone who is gay. Because God may be leading them to our church for a reason. And once they get saved, then God himself will change their hearts. (I personally, am proof of that, but that's a story for another day.)
We need to trust God enough to accept the people He has sent to our church and love them, really love them. Treat them like we want to be treated. Even if they smell like alcohol, are dirty, or gay. We need to show them Jesus' love- SHOW them, not just tell them. When they see His love through us, they will know His love. And once they have accepted His love and His forgiveness, then He can begin the healing work and changes in their hearts and lives. And turning them away from our church is not going to get anything accomplished to further God's kingdom, it's just going to increase the number of people out there who will continue to be afraid to reach out to God because they've been rejected by the church.
Christians don't take well to having someone challenge their beliefs. They want to stay safe within their own world, what they know. So many Christians these days are afraid of sinners- they don't want to welcome sinners into their lives, they want to 'love' them from afar. In my specific incident, they don't want gay people near their children, because they might be molested...they say they love gays, but they can love them from afar. Christians are so intent on protecting their children from the world that they are not teaching their children to go out into the world and spread the gospel. It's like so many Christians today are ruled by fear, rather than love. It's easy to say someone else is supposed to go out and minister to 'these people,' because I don't wan them anywhere near me. Heaven forbid we should allow them into our church to dwell amongst us!
Is that what Jesus taught us?! To 'love' from afar? (I'm putting the word love in quotes for a reason.) To protect our own Christian churches and communities by keeping the sinners out? Are we to tell someone who is gay that you can't come within the walls of our church because we are afraid of you? YES, this does make me angry! Very angry. And I believe it makes God angry, too.
Jesus said that the greatest commandment is this: "Love the Lord you God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind." and the second is: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Matt. 22:37,39. AS YOURSELF! Do you love yourself from afar? Do you tell yourself you are not allowed within the walls of a church because you are a sinner? Oh, that's right, you're already saved. So you must be 'better' than the ones you are wanting to keep out, right?
I just think that churches need to be careful not to develop policies or give the impression that you have to be saved before you come to church. We should be welcoming sinners with open arms, including someone who is gay. Because God may be leading them to our church for a reason. And once they get saved, then God himself will change their hearts. (I personally, am proof of that, but that's a story for another day.)
We need to trust God enough to accept the people He has sent to our church and love them, really love them. Treat them like we want to be treated. Even if they smell like alcohol, are dirty, or gay. We need to show them Jesus' love- SHOW them, not just tell them. When they see His love through us, they will know His love. And once they have accepted His love and His forgiveness, then He can begin the healing work and changes in their hearts and lives. And turning them away from our church is not going to get anything accomplished to further God's kingdom, it's just going to increase the number of people out there who will continue to be afraid to reach out to God because they've been rejected by the church.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Well it's Thursday again and I find myself here, pondering the topics of my Online Bible Study's 'Blog Hop'...
One topic seemed to fit in with what I've recently been going through: "I’m A Big Girl! Think of a time when you thought you could do it all by yourself. What happened to make you change your mind?"
Except as usual, me being me, I have a slightly different take on this topic. I don't know why the Lord has given me a brain that seems to think about everything just a little differently than most, but I'm thinking He did it for a reason, so I usually feel the need to give my viewpoint, even though it may not be the most popular one.
That being said, I've been in a few situations lately involving myself and other faithful Christian women who find themselves faced with making tough decisions. While some people, when faced with tough decisions, do have the "I can do it myself" attitude that is mentioned in the topic, often Christians (especially Christian women) seem to toil over decisions, so afraid of making the 'wrong' decision and derailing God's will in the process...
Most of the women in my life are in the latter group, myself included. We are so caught up with wanting to please God and wanting to do His will that it absolutely ties us up in knots when we don't seem to be hearing His voice or sensing what is His will in our situations. We pray and we get the opinions of other Christians, and we beg God to speak to us....we look for His answers all around us. We look for that one thing that will just let us know what He wants us to do.
So when He seems to be silent and despite our efforts, we are not finding or hearing a clear answer, what then? We ask Him "Why?" After all, we are doing what we are supposed to be doing, seeking God's help, seeking His guidance." So why won't he speak more loudly so we can hear? And we delay our decisions, sometimes for months at a time. In the process, we are miserable and unable to have closure. And ultimately it affects our relationship with God.
Like I said, I have been going through this, recently, and actually I still am. And the answers I am finding from Him, are not the answer to my problem, BUT rather understanding and insight. Sometimes that is more important that a simple answer.
You see, the thing is, He wants us to make our own decisions. He gave us free will. If He wanted to tell us exactly what to do around every corner, and with every dilemma, He would speak to us clearly. (And sometimes we do hear Him clearly, I think those are the really important decisions!) The thing we need to realize is that we are NOT God! Our decisions are not so important that if we make the wrong one, He cannot fix it. We can make the wrong decision with the right intentions, and He will still perform His will in our lives. And against popular opinion, I don't believe that every decision we are faced with is a 'test' from God.
For example: Maybe He has certain circumstances set up so that we are supposed to witness to someone. But we miss his cues and miss the opportunity. Does that mean that the person we were supposed to witness to is never going to know the Lord? I think not! God is perfectly capable of sending another person along to do the job, or even re-routing our path so that we intersect with that same person at another time.
In other words, our decisions are not bigger than God's will! When faced with two choices in our lives, neither one being sin of course (or the answer would be easy), it could be that either answer is 'okay.' We cannot single-handedly derail God's will by making the wrong choice. So perhaps it doesn't have to be as hard making decisions as we have made it out to be. Or maybe we just already know the answer and we need to give ourselves permission to just go ahead and make that decision.
So, while God wants us to rely on Him and put aside the "I can do it myself" way of thinking, He also wants us to retain our free will and make our own choices. And as long we are seeking Him, praying and trusting in Him for His guidance, I don't really think there can be a 'wrong' choice. (Again, as long as sin is not involved in either choice.) He is always there and His will will always prevail, no matter what 'wrong' choices we may make along the way. If you take anything away from this, I'd like you to remember that Our decisions are not greater than God's will...
I just hope I can take my own advice now, and put closure to some tough decisions that I am facing!
Thursday, May 9, 2013
My online Bible Study asked this question: What is one way you plug in to God? We know you are doing this Online Bible Study, but is there a daily devotion series or other devotional material you enjoy?
I immediately panicked! I don't use any particular devotional material or series. I thought to myself, is this something I'm 'supposed to' be doing? I knew it, I knew it all along- I'm doing it all wrong!
Of course I'm exaggerating, but I do think that this is something that a lot of Christians wonder about? Am I doing the right things...am I doing what everyone else is doing? Am I doing enough?
Instead of asking yourself these questions, ask yourself "Is what I'm doing leaving me feeling fulfilled and in touch with God?"
Basically there is no right answer when it comes to daily devotions. There is no one way of doing it. We all have different personality types and we all connect with God in different ways. What works for one might not work for another. Frankly, I joined the online Bible Study because I knew it would help get me in God's word, since I have a hard time getting myself to do Bible Study on my own. Whatever works, and whatever gets me in the Word more. So instead of condemning myself for not being able to make myself sit down and read the Word more, I decided to work with my interests and read the Word online more. Hey, it works.
So to answer the initial question...my personal 'routine' is mostly one of prayer. I do read from my 'Jesus Calling' devotional by Sarah Young every morning, and then I pray. I pray and the I listen....pray and listen....basically I have a conversation with God every morning before I start my day. Then I try to open my Bible and read something. I trust the the Lord will lead me to what I need to hear. But I have to admit I don't always open my Bible. Something I'm still 'working on.'
But most of all, I talk to God. I talk to God all day, every day. I live alone, so there's no one else here and He's always here. And He's a good listener.
Oh, and I sing to Him. I love worship music, so I listen to it sometime during the day and always in my car. And I'm a 'hummer,' so I'm always humming something to Him throughout the day.
I think, as Christians, we need to be careful not to spend too much time worrying about whether we're doing what we 'should be' doing rather than just listening to the voice of the Holy Spirit and letting Him guide us throughout our days.
Can I get an AMEN?!
I immediately panicked! I don't use any particular devotional material or series. I thought to myself, is this something I'm 'supposed to' be doing? I knew it, I knew it all along- I'm doing it all wrong!
Of course I'm exaggerating, but I do think that this is something that a lot of Christians wonder about? Am I doing the right things...am I doing what everyone else is doing? Am I doing enough?
Instead of asking yourself these questions, ask yourself "Is what I'm doing leaving me feeling fulfilled and in touch with God?"
Basically there is no right answer when it comes to daily devotions. There is no one way of doing it. We all have different personality types and we all connect with God in different ways. What works for one might not work for another. Frankly, I joined the online Bible Study because I knew it would help get me in God's word, since I have a hard time getting myself to do Bible Study on my own. Whatever works, and whatever gets me in the Word more. So instead of condemning myself for not being able to make myself sit down and read the Word more, I decided to work with my interests and read the Word online more. Hey, it works.
So to answer the initial question...my personal 'routine' is mostly one of prayer. I do read from my 'Jesus Calling' devotional by Sarah Young every morning, and then I pray. I pray and the I listen....pray and listen....basically I have a conversation with God every morning before I start my day. Then I try to open my Bible and read something. I trust the the Lord will lead me to what I need to hear. But I have to admit I don't always open my Bible. Something I'm still 'working on.'
But most of all, I talk to God. I talk to God all day, every day. I live alone, so there's no one else here and He's always here. And He's a good listener.
Oh, and I sing to Him. I love worship music, so I listen to it sometime during the day and always in my car. And I'm a 'hummer,' so I'm always humming something to Him throughout the day.
I think, as Christians, we need to be careful not to spend too much time worrying about whether we're doing what we 'should be' doing rather than just listening to the voice of the Holy Spirit and letting Him guide us throughout our days.
Can I get an AMEN?!
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