Are You There God? It's Me, Melissa!

Dear Lord,

I am struggling so much right now.  You see, my feelings have been hurt...not only that, but I am feeling  uncertain as to this place you have put me in.  I'm embarrassed that I don't seem to fit in and act like the others around me.  I am trying to be grateful for the trials & tests, knowing that it is perfecting me, just like the Refiner's fire.  And why shouldn't I expect for the Refiner's fire to be painful?  

I have tried to please you.  I have spoken the messages you have given me, and shared my heart.  I have been transparent.  But the problem with transparency is the feeling of vulnerability that comes with it.  I sometimes think it would've been easier never to mention to any of my friends that I suffer from BiPolar Disorder or that I 'used to' be gay.  They may not, in reality, be judging me...but I always wonder whether they are.  I guess I sort of always assume they are.  Not fair to them or myself, is it?

And I feel out of place, like I am not fitting in to this exact spot you have put me in- like a square peg in a round hole.  Yet in my heart, I know there is a reason for it. Perhaps if I quit fighting You so much, You'd be able to ease me into my place a little easier...

Lord, only you know where I go from here.  It is painful to make the tough decisions when I am feeling hurt and confused.  Do I wait until I feel better, so I know I'm thinking clearly and clearly hearing Your voice?  No, sometimes I think the decisions need to be made so that we can move and start to feel better....and I know from experience that I tend to hear your voice better when I'm hurting than when all is well.

So I pray for wisdom, I pray for grace and I pray for forgiveness.  Forgiveness for myself if I have displeased you or hurt others with my actions.  And forgiveness for them, so that I can truly forgive and let go the hurts and focus on Your will for my life.

Most of all, I thank You for loving me enough to put me through the Refiner's fire.  I thank you for having a plan for my life and loving me enough to do what it takes to help me grow into that plan.  And most of all, I just praise you for your goodness and your awesome love.  I may not always do everything right, but You know that I never cease to love you and praise you and listen for your voice through the Holy Spirit every minute of every day.

In Jesus' Precious Name,
Amen