Let your 'yes' be 'yes' and your 'no' be 'no'!

Because of the struggles in my life, especially my many years of battling mental illness, I am realizing that I have grown to see myself as always 'less' than everyone else.  I tend to put others on pedestals and I look up to other women rather than seeing them as equals and even friends...therefore, I am always finding myself looking for their approval rather than just fellowship.

I tend to let others tell me what's best for me.  Especially, I tend to get frustrated when other Christians seem to set the bar for me, as far as what makes a good Christian...and more frustrated that I let myself believe this, even though I myself have been a Born-Again, Spirit-Filled Christian for 26 years.  I know I am deeply rooted and grounded in my faith and have really come to know how to listen for the voice of the Holy Spirit and follow His leading.

You see, after years of being barely able to take care of myself because of my mental illness, I guess I have gotten used to letting others make decisions for me.  So even now that I am 'well' and capable of making my own decisions, I have a hard time standing firm and tend to let others make me feel like they know what's best for me better than I do myself.   And when I do take a stand and speak up for myself, I end up apologizing for it and then hating myself because I apologized...a never ending cycle.  

This is especially tricky as a Christian woman dwelling amongst other Christian women.  Christian women, albeit well meaning, can get a bit pushy. (I say that fondly!)   Most of the Christian women I know love each other and other women so deeply, that they only want the best for them.  They feel they know what's best for them. But sometimes what we want for another person is not necessarily what God wants for them.  Yes, it's true.  ;)

So if I am frustrated at others for telling me what to do, or pressuring me into something I don't want to do, is that really their fault?  Or is it mine?  Perhaps I am frustrated with myself for not being strong enough to stand up for my own decisions.  Perhaps I am frustrated that I let myself feel 'less' than they are...

Perhaps I should say to them 'I prayed about this decision and am comfortable with it, but thanks for your opinion.'  Hmm...I wonder what it would feel like to actually say that!  And to be okay with it.  I wonder what it would feel like to put myself equal to them, to respect myself as much as I respect them.  I guess my greatest fear then, is that no one would like me.  Maybe I should give it a try and take a chance and see what happens.  Hmmm...do I dare?

So if someone asks me something and I say 'yes' when I mean 'no' and then I regret it, is it their fault for asking?  No, it's my fault for not being okay with saying 'no.'  The Bible does say "Let your 'yes' be 'yes' and your 'no' be 'no'."  So then, saying 'no' at times is okay, even when you're a Christian?  Wow, imagine that!

This has been the story of my life.  I'm pretty easy to engage and tend to jump into new things quickly, without always thinking them through.  You know the "It sounded like a good idea at the time" type of thing.  So I jump in with both feet, only to regret it because I end up feeling like a square peg in a round hole.  Therefore, I find myself having to back out of it somewhere down the road...and then I end up feeling like a 'quitter.'  When in essence, I'm really only quitting something I was never meant to do in the first place.  Sigh.....

I am learning, I guess.  Learning that it's okay to be me.  The problem with putting other people on pedestals, is that pedestals tend to tip over pretty easily.  And as you look and see those whom you have looked up to and idolized just laying there, on the same level with you, it can be heartbreaking as well as disillusioning...and when those whom you have relied on for  validation let you down, it's downright devastating.

Basically, it's giving the other person too much power.  My validation needs to come from God alone, because He will never fall and He will never let me down.  The pedestal He stands on will never fall, yet at the same time He is able to reach down and get right on our level. People will hurt us, disappoint us, treat us less than how we should be treated, but God will never ever fail us.


Dear Lord,
I pray that I begin to recognize my own value and worth.  That I would find it in You, not in the feedback of other humans whom I have put on pedestals.  I pray that I learn to trust myself and trust that You, through the Holy Spirit, will guide me in all of my decisions, so that I will be able to say 'Yes,' when I mean 'yes,' and 'NO' when I mean 'no'.  More than all of that, I pray that my relationship with you and my sensitivity to your Holy Spirit would grow more and more through every struggle I face and every obstacle I overcome. 
In Jesus Name.
Amen